Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize