Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize