what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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