I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
