I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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