having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
