Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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