dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize