You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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