I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
