I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
