Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
