Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
