i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize