your thong is hanging out like whoa
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize