No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
