The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Too much gin, very little bucket
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
