If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
