sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
