If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
His nipple licking is glorious
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