Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Randomize