Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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