I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
