I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
