what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
