my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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