omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
