I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
