There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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