I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
