I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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