it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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