Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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