You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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