please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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