My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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