Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
