someone threw a dead crab at me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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