At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
