At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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