11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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