its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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