I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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