and you said cock pushups were impossible
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
