Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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