piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
