it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
