You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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