Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize