I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
