my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
