i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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