So drunk its hurt
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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