My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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