Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
