All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
