Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
