I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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