Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
