I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
