My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
